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A beautiful and generous memoir, written by a professor of Philosophy who has experienced more pain, quite likely, than most of us, and has acted on her inclination and thoughtfulness to share her learnings with us.
Chloe, from birth, suffers from a disorder related to disruptions in the development of the bone at the base of her spine, — resulting in shortened legs, difficulty walking, hip dysplasia, and constant, chronic pain.
“Pain oppressed me, made it impossible for me to access what I really longed for, which was to be fully present in nearness to beauty”.
Although later in life she will come to realize the influence of her pragmatic, grounded mother (herself a great beauty), Chloe grows up idolizing her romantic, dreamy and soon-to-be-absent father. As she learns to cope with her own pain, drawing on necessary mechanisms based on escape, distraction, and even dissociation, Chloe searches for love, acceptance and a father figure, holding herself worthy of only a shadowy sort of life on the very outskirts of “reality”, herself disconnecting her own unacceptable body and (often punitive) lived experience.
An academic with a probing mind, Chloe soon finds herself almost unconsciously groping for answers to life’s great questions, including her complicated relationship with Beauty (an objective and great divide she feels excluded from) and her place in a world (including her own mind) that sees herself only on the surface.
“If only I could pile up enough good qualities, they could obscure my unacceptable body.”
Packed with insights, these ideas coalesce perhaps best for this reader with Chloe’s developing understanding of Beauty itself as a state of mind – a decoupling of “self” that allows an immersive sensate experience with rapture – an experience not easy, or facile, but, with time and patience, available to (and in) all of us.
Fascinating and beautiful in and of itself, this is a terrific read, and one this reader will think about long after closing the final page.
A library read for my book club, this book is sure to generate much discussion.
